We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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