i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
