i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
