and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize