did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
