i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
