now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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