You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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