He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
