i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
