Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
