How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize