Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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