Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
