the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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