I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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