new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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