I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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