i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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