They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize