I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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