i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
