my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
