I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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