Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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