Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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