I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
