my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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