How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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