My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
