our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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