so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
