do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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