she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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