My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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