i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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