in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
