New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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