sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
