Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
