I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
