too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
