I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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