i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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