Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
