I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
