also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
