he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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