It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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