I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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