He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
