and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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