I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
