Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
