you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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