i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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