I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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