he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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