Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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