She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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