I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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