Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize