My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
