No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
