She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
