I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
