I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
