All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
