everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
