I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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