I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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