alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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