Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
