I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize